Recently, my husband and I hosted a dinner party and despite our best intentions, we were still busy in the kitchen when our guests arrived. When they asked if they could help, I quickly took a mental note of what needed to be done - toss salad, set table, heat bread, put out appetizers - and since nothing seemed difficult or complicated, I politely responded that it was all under control.

Well, what happened next was interesting…

My husband and I were in the kitchen doing all these tasks while the guests were in the living room. I began to get more frenzied as I realized that these "simple" tasks were actually more time consuming than I'd realized. The guests could sense it so they weren't relaxed either, but what could they do? They'd already offered and I'd already refused.

Unknowingly, I'd created a barrier between us and our guests. Not just a physical barrier of being in separate rooms, but there was something more. Essentially they said "I am offering myself to be of service to you" and I said no, not just to their help but to them. I had turned down their offer to connect with us. Not the impact I wanted to create at a social event. And just imagine how much more fun it would have been for all of us to be in the kitchen together.

What I didn't realize was that I had an unwritten rule about receiving: Don't accept help when I can do it myself.

When do you say no when someone offers? When the grocery clerk offers to carry your many bags to the car? When a fellow traveler offers to help you put your luggage in the overhead bin? When a friend wants to pay for your meal, just because? The list goes on. Where else do you say no to help that's offered?

Now, I'm not saying you need to accept every offer that comes your way. But if you are saying no on autopilot, consider this - You are likely creating a barrier where you don't want one. Think about what you gain by connecting with others and what you lose when you disconnect.

Notice what rules you have about receiving. Some popular ones are:
· I'll owe them
· It makes me look weak
· They might think I'm lazy
· I'll appear needy
· They'll feel sorry for me
What's yours?

Be Open. Offering something may be the only method another person has to connect with you. When you say no, you are creating a barrier and usually, shutting people out is not what we want.

Be Gracious. Regardless of whether you choose to accept or decline remember, a person has just offered themselves to you so be gentle. There's a difference between a terse "no thanks" and a warm "I appreciate the offer but I can get this myself".


Next month: Asking for Help

So many of you have let me know each month how these newsletters have been a timely reflection of what's going on in your life. I love that and please keep the comments coming!

And in the spirit of asking for help (next month's topic) and receiving…

I'd like to reach even more people with this newsletter and I would love your help. Will you please forward this issue to your friends and colleagues and encourage them to subscribe? No worries; I won't "spam" anyone with an unwanted subscription, nor do I ever share my mailing list with others.

May you enjoy
the Art of Receiving,
Lisa